Marise´s agony

"New Year's Eve I put on some red underwear. I packed a suitcase with old clothes and took it outside the house, next to the elevator. And then I sat down to eat the grapes, in front of the TV. I waited. I was half asleep when the commotion started inside the television, but without hesitation I picked up the plate I had prepared, with the twelve grapes, and one by one with the sound of the chimes I had them in my mouth. 'To Pamplona!' - I said to myself.

There, Happy New Year. I reclined on the armchair; I looked at the empty white porcelain that was left on the table, and I thought about what new things the new year will bring.

On the phone, there were hardly any messages wishing me a happy new year.

Marise, you try so hard to write, to make stories and entertain people on your blog and no one remembers you.

When I realized it, I was drawing on some supermarket advertising and jotting down things in the margin of the pages that I planned to do during the new year. Then I thought about losing weight and getting rid of some of those abundant extra kilos that I have.

I wrote: I will stop eating bacon with cheese and mayonnaise, and spaghetti with cream and fried eggs, my two favorite dishes.

I will only eat things that don't make me gain weight: cabbage, chard, spinach... I will make lentils and rice...

Even though I don't like any of that.

The strategy is: when I go to the supermarket I will buy legumes and fruits apples, oranges, bananas... even though I think they will end up rotting thrown in the trash; but when the fruits and vegetables have been in the kitchen for a few days, before throwing them away, I will have to eat them... because I know myself.

Hahaha, I'm so mean to myself, even though I love sausages with egg and french fries.

I will start getting up early to exercise. At first it will be difficult, going out early in the morning to run every day. I will start running little by little and stop when I get tired. That way I will get used to it and I will run longer every day.

Goodbye to my lifebelt and the holes I've been making in it over time. I can already see the envy on my friends' faces when I manage to show them my new size thirty-eight pants, tight around my hips.

Getting up to run in the mornings, if I don't read what I write I won't believe it.

'Marise, what's wrong? Why are you sweating?'

'I'm suffocating and I can't breathe! I'm feeling dizzy.'

'Marise, you're having a heart attack!'

'Okay, calm down. What do I have to do?'

'I'm going to call my mother to say goodbye to her.'

'Marise, how can you call your mother to tell her you're having a heart attack? If you do that, your mother will have a heart attack, and she won't let you die in peace.'

'I'm going to call emergency services!'

If it has to be, let it be.

'I'm going to leave the door open and lie down on the living room rug, to wait for them to come.'

...How long does it take!

If dying is going to be so difficult waiting here on the floor for everything to pass, I wish it were a sudden death. You don't realize it, and the grief and mourning are for those who are left behind, because those who leave are no longer there to cry.

The ambulance arrived and they found me lying on the floor. I had lain down to survive longer.

    'What's wrong, miss?'

    'I think I'm dying.'

'You calm down, let us take care of it. You're in good hands.'

'Outside, next to the elevator, we found a suitcase that you must have left forgotten; we brought it inside the house.'

They lifted me onto a stretcher and the ambulance parked in front of my house, took off. I don't know how long it took. It seems I passed out on the journey. When I opened my eyes the lights on the hospital ceiling were passing quickly over me. We were already in the emergency room.

A girl came - and before I knew it she drew two tubes of blood. Nothing like the nurse at the health center who until she warms the hypodermic needle with three or four pricks on the arm, the needle doesn't enter the vein to draw blood. Then another one came and covered my body with suction cups, tied with some cables to a strange device. They were doing an electrocardiogram on me.

When they finished they left me alone in one of the emergency room cubicles at the hospital. Time seemed endless as I waited.

    My God, how agonizing it is to die!

    How little we live and how little we enjoy.

Finally, the curtains were drawn back and a doctor came in accompanied by a nurse.

My eyes pleaded with him when I saw him.

    'Doctor, will it take me long to die?'

    'You're perfectly fine!' - he said without mincing words - 'What a brute!'

    'The only thing you just had is a panic attack!'

I shrugged without saying anything as the nurse helped me sit up from the stretcher.

    'These attacks often come from experiencing a lot of tension all at once. Do you remember what you were doing when you started feeling unwell? Were you doing something important, did you make a sudden effort, did you receive any bad news or anything like that?'

    No, no - I said.

    'Do you remember the reason that caused you so much stress before suffering the attack?'

And as I got dressed, I thought to myself:

    Better leave it for another year, Marise.

mvf.'